but I don’t know what I think about god…
It doesn’t matter what we think, there is either some sort of divine order to the universe or there is not, and our opinions won’t change that. What matters is finding a relationship with the unknowable, and with yourself. Why? So that then you can either incorporate what you find into your life, or forget about it. It is a choice that we are free to make. Many very happy people attribute their happiness to compassion, to love of fellow creatures. For me, personally, this is part of my definition of the word god. Knowing this has made my life better. It has been a long journey though, and it started with me asking myself some icky questions. I had no idea what I thought about god, only that it seemed very far away, and possibly scary, probably mad at me. I was afraid of religion, especially Christianity, and I didn’t realize yet that I could make up my own version of god, one that made me feel very safe and loved and powerful. Everyone has the ability to form their own unique connection with the universe, and it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. What helped me start was making a list. So if you want, try this: make a list with two columns. Decide, for the sake of this list, that there is a god. Now, in one column, write down everything that you would want that entity to be and represent, were it real. In the other column, write down everything you don’t want it to be. Your list can include anything, be as long or as short as you want. The important part is letting go of what your family, society and religion have told you to think. Write down only what you would like to be true. Now you know what your god can look like, if you want it to.
My list today:
yes: loving, infinite, multifaceted, genderless, formless, open, powerful, peaceful, funny, omnipresent
no: judgemental, sectarian, male, punishing, intolerant, angry, anthropoid
This is obviously not all I think or feel about my god. It changes all the time, but these are some constants.